This is the last to final week of the Bikini Body Guide workouts, and then it's the Big Reveal Day! Or, as I like to call it...the walk of shame day!

The body is a bit far from perfect, so it's going to take a lot of guts to sashay down the bathroom runway (way after lights out when everyone is asleep) in just my white cotton prison granny panties. That's the punishment to endure for not sticking to the diet and nutrition plan entirely. Or, it COULD turn out to be the "eat your heart out, loser ex-boyfriend", sexiness strut. Right now, it's still a toss up. Still have an entire week to decide on which way it's going to be for me.

The pressure is on! It's like, just give me cake, please. And, I don't even LIKE cake! (Frosting...well, that's another story entirely.)  Just the thought of not being able to have any, has the effect of me craving it constantly.

F#@k my life!!! Today, I had a gigantic piece of super moist chocolate cake with peanut butter sugar frosting. Yum! Well, I ate half of it, and gave the rest away. But, regardless...what happened to my usual "just fruit, please"? Ugh, motherf@#ker!!! Which just reminded me of the old boyfriend. "Why do you call me motdherf#@ker, Alexa? I do not f#@k my mother." OMG!!! It's just a figure of speech!!! A term of endearment, if you will! Aaaahhhh!!! Get me out of here! Give me CAKE!!! I'm hangry!!!

Well, I work out. That's my new excuse for having the cake. And the accompanying deliciousness that is my daily sugary cup of cappuccino. Well, twice daily.

I won't be feeling so confident when I walk out of here a hefty size 4 (after all the working out / pigging out that I've been doing) when the whole world here is a double zero! Even a size 2 is considered "curvy" around here. A four is a fat cow in need of diet intervention. Or at least a gastric lap band, juice fast, colonoscopy, and a month-long cleanse. Maybe with a little purging in between. But just a little. Nothing too serious.

I have seriously considered giving up meat once again to see if it will make a difference. But then, I'm in prison, so, technically, I HAVE given up meat. At least anything that resembles meat, that is.  I still occasionally eat the "not suitable for human consumption" pseudo beef they serve us. But I do try and stay away.

What am I gonna do to survive all of this culinary torture?  It's not like I can just stroll into a Trader Joes and pick up some fresh veggies and a hot side dish to go hiking with.

Oh, which reminds me to tell you that we are making some progress with the Mexican brother of my new friend here. After days and days of patiently waiting, and at the risk of sounding desperate for a man, I reminded my friend that I was still waiting to see her brother's picture. And...WOWZA!!!! The man is HOT! As is, MUY CALIENTE!!! Tall, dark and handsome, divorced, ONE adult child, educated, has integrity, a great career..uh, oh...maybe a little too good for a convict like me?  Nah! Just kidding. Who wouldn't want a prison babe such as myself?

Which then also reminds me of a lecture we were given the other night that still has us rolling on the floor laughing at ourselves. We were told to make sure we don't walk around here half-exposed because "no one wants our 12 cent an hour ass" around here. So much for my slowly improving self-esteem. We just got capped with a shot of cold blooded reality. But, I know they were not referring to ME. "I" earn 17 cents an hour. Not 12, like some of those other girls around here.

So, regardless, I'm still waiting on the actual introduction to this handsome Mexican man, and I couldn't care less about impressing anyone around here. My 17 cent an hour income is no limitation or impediment to what I'm looking for. The man I'm holding out for will not be needing my prison wages to complete him financially. He'll probably tell me just to keep it and have fun with it, as he should.

Okay...goals for the week:

(1) Must work on rebuilding fractured self-esteem
(2) Keep the assets well hidden
(3) Don't even look up at the nightly man parade that comes in to count us
(4) Keep stalking new friend pressing for introduction to her hot brother
(5) Eat Less. Work Out More!!!