I woke up in a fabulous mood this past Sunday morning! I slept in until 9 a.m., got up to fix myself a steaming cup of java juice, then I toted my cosmetics bag, curling iron, and MP3 player to the spa-like bathroom to make myself beautiful so I could start the day off right. I was meeting my friends for a pancake brunch at 11.  (Did I mention I'm in PRISON?)

I danced my butt off to some old school dirty south booty shaking music. The very first song that came on was "Lean Like a Cholo" by Down AKA Kilo, then Destiny's Child's "Soldier", followed by Bone's "Homegurl (He Gotta)" - of course, we only get access to the edited versions, but our memories and imaginations fill in the blanks just the same.

So, all this got me thinking about God's funny way of punishing people like myself - the forever optimistic.  (No, I don't really think God punishes people. Puh-lease spare yourself the effort of a lecture here.)

It took an entire lifetime to meet a man that made me say to myself,  "I would marry that man," the moment we locked eyes from across the room. (Have I mentioned I am marriage averse? So, this was a HUGE deal!)

He was everything I had ever wanted in a man (except the big bank account, I'm sure - but let this be my little prison fantasy) - tall, dark, handsome, nice, funny, educated, and super intelligent. As an added bonus, he looked Middle Eastern, but was Hispanic, like me, spoke perfectly fluent Spanish, with a super sexy accented English!  Out of my eyes popped big, red, fluffy cartoon hearts - I was in LOVE!!!!

Then reality slapped me right in my perfectly round ass.. "Your in prison, Bitch! Get over it!!! Move on!!! Just thank God for putting that man in your path so that you have something pleasant to look at while riding out your time." Sigh!!!  I was already planning the wedding in my head. From then on, he became my eye-taco - a tasty treat for the eyes, but completely off limits!

It was a definite torture seeing him every day. I ended up quitting my prison job because of it! Everyday I had to remind myself through the use of my computer log-in..."Don't forget Sunil."  I had to remind myself at least 10 times a day not to forget the guy who was supposed to be the "love of my life."  It was a constant, all day reminder - one that didn't quite work. When it didn't, I resorted to plopping the LOML's photos all over my desk at all different levels and angles, hoping his gaze would reel me in back to reality. But, no... that didn't work either. I had it BAD!!!

It was just too much for me to handle, so at the first opportunity to leave my job, I grabbed at it and ran as if my prison life depended on it!  I was killing myself with the constant torture of what was that man! Then, thankfully, I graduated from that prison, and saved myself from all of that.

In prison, inmate and staff love connections are strictly off limits. Not that it never happens (it happens quite often), but the penalties are super stiff, and the consequences super serious.

Prisons adhere to a zero tolerance policy, and have implemented what is known as PREA - the Prison Rape Elimination Act.  This act was enacted for the protection of the prisoner - to discourage, prevent and/or eliminate sexual violence towards prisoners from both staff and other inmates alike.

This act criminalizes any sexual physical contact between staff and inmates (or inmate to inmate), leaving no room for "consensual" relationships, regardless of any insistence of consent by either party.  Under PREA, there are no willing participants - period!  Any staff member found engaging in a prohibited relationship with an inmate, can and will be prosecuted under this law.

This places a very heavy burden on staff to be careful not to toe the line with any inmate, especially when working in a prison environment full of deprived women who may or may not have the best intentions, or the best of integrity.

Offering credible and verifiable testimony against a staff member may result in the loss of career, and a potential prison sentence for the staff member, and an opportunity for a sentence reduction for the inmate victim who is willing to testify against the accused. Under this current set-up, someone has to lose, and it's not always the staff member accused of wrongdoing who loses.

The first issue is the reliance on the accuracy and veracity of the accusation and the accuser. The other issue is then the reliance on prisoners to actually report these crimes.  The immediate consequence of reporting is a trip to the SHU (Special Housing Unit - or solitary confinement), where the inmate is segregated from the general population for her protection. This is followed by an investigation of the charges, and a possible transfer of the inmate to another prison facility during the time it takes to investigate the incident reported. This transfer almost always results in an inconvenience to the prisoner through the limitation of visitation, phone, email, and mail services while in the SHU or in transit.

While these consequences act as a deterrent to the making of false accusations, they also inadvertently act as a deterrent to reporting.  How, then, does a prison system's administration act to protect its charges, while at the same time offering those same protections to its staff from false accusations? I'm sure that it's a delicate balance between the two, albeit an imperfect one.

The current system, however, does appear to be working. Most women in prison never experience any physical violence towards them - of any kind. I am almost certain that it's a direct result of the enactment of PREA, and of everyone becoming more aware of a prisoner's rights to be free from unwanted sexual advancements.

So, ladies, don't worry too much about this issue if you are getting ready to turn yourself in. Prison is not a "Caged Heat" sexual free for all. It's not "Orange is the New Black" when it comes to sexual relationships with staff or other inmates.  No one will bother you to become their girlfriend, some of the staff will only pursue you if you let them, and you're not leaving here gay if you didn't already come in with those tendencies. If you did, you're most likely to become "gay for the stay" - meaning you'll find yourself a "girlfriend" to hang out with, who will cook and clean for you.  If you're not gay - you won't become gay, period!  Regardless of the length of your sentence.

So, may the powers above forgive me, but I will continue to fantasize about my delicious taquito, eye-candy, love of my prison life. And may he invade my dreams each and every night until I leave prison altogether, and find me a "real" boyfriend. I will never be the one to tell him what he did for me all those years.

To put you in a booty shaking Sunday Fun-Day kind of mood, may I suggest the following playlist:

Going Back to Cali by The Notorious B.I.G.
Hypnotize by The Notorious B.I.G.
Look Out Weekend by Debbie Deb
Spring Love by Stevie B
Stuntin' Like My Daddy by Birdman and Lil' Wayne
Together Forever by Lisette Melendez
Un Booty Nuevo by Jowell and Randy
When I Hear Music by Debbie Deb
Dance (A$$) REmix by Big Sean/Nicki Minaj
Homegurl (He Gotta) by Bone
I Got 5 on it by Luniz