Conversation overheard out in the yard the other day: (Okay, who am I kidding, this isn't a real prison. There is no "yard" here. More like GOSSIP overheard in the beauty salon as we were getting our pedicures done by the Vietnamese nail lady!)

Male Prison Guard: "Yeah, we are gonna have to stop selling cosmetics in the commissary."

Inmate Beauty with raspy voice and heavy New Jersey accent: "What!?! Whadda ya mean!?! Why!?!"

"Well, didn't you hear about the three inmates carrying on with those officers?"

"Yeah! So what!?! What's that gotta do with selling us cosmetics in the commissary?"

"The officers said the eyeliner made them do it."

"That's ridiculous! The eyelinah made them do it! Sheesh! Ya mean ta tell me the fact that tha inmates had a vaginah had nothing to do with it? Whadda crockashit that is!"

"Did you just say 'vagina'?"

"Yeah! I said it! VAGINA! There, I said it again! Ya mean tah tell me that if they just wore eyelinah, but didn't have a vaginah, the guards would still want tah have sex with them? Gimme a break! It's not like the vaginah wore the eyelinah!"

"I'm outta here. Have a nice day, ma'am."

Uh, yeah...that's what I thought! Don't. F#@K. With. Our. Cosmetics!!!  #prettygirlprisonproblems

Okay, so now we know to stock up on the cosmetics in case the threat's made real. 

Note to self: Forgo food. Forage foundation.

I just don't get who would want to do that to herself. What kind of sex play would that be...Cops and Convict? So not sexy! I've done enough of the strip, spread, squat and cough routine to last me a lifetime. It's no longer a fantasy...it's a way of life!

Well, I promised you an update on the introduction to the beautiful Vegas showgirl's cousin.  That was a bust! I never did go for the introduction, and she probably thought better of it. It was good in theory, however...

Here's how that conversation went: "I would love for you to meet my cousin. He's SOOO hot, you'll love him! He owns his own business, AND he has a house in paradise!"

"Oh, really? What kind of business does he have?"

"He owns a ...(insert any lucrative business here), and he makes a lot of money. Way more than enough to support himself and his kids."

"How many kids DOES he have?"

"Four...and one on the way."

=-/ Epic. Fail.

Just in case any of you are wondering...the longer you go without sex, the easier it gets to live without it, the less desperate you are for it, and the choosier you become when you do think about who you are gonna give it up to.  The same holds true for relationships of any kind - you start to re-evaluate those that you do have, in order to figure out those worth keeping, and those that are just not. In the process, you learn a lot about yourself and what's important to you. Maybe this is one of those lessons prison is meant to teach? Hmmmm...

I've learned that my old boyfriend/love of my life, probably was not really the love of my life - nor was he ever much of a boyfriend, either.  He was nothing more than a "casual" boyfriend, which meant we saw each other only when our extremely busy schedules would allow.  He, being a physician in a prestigious hospital in the D.C. area, and me, having been a successful lawyer running around doing business from coast to coast... you figure that one out. There weren't enough shuttle flights between us to satisfy what neither of us was ready for - nor really wanting from the other.  Our motto was ..."Together forever, until someone better comes along."

Of all the men I dated since, trying to find my 'someone better', only one ever presented that was actually better. Unfortunately, I was a prisoner when I met him, and he wasn't in a position to fraternize with a convict.  OF COURSE, the man of my dreams walks in in the middle of my nightmare of a life...why would it happen any other way?

I keep thinking that since I only have a few months left in here... I hafta hurry up and find me a man, so that I can focus on career when I walk out the door. But, that's only my Type "A" brain going into panic mode. I'm trying to relax and shed the wound-too-tight East Coast go-getter (for cheddar) girl mentality, and adopt a more relaxed SoCal vibe.

I'm still working on that. I'll let you know how it goes. But, let's be real...it's always been a "money over men" mentality, and that's probably not going to change just because I've been on pause these past few years. I'm going to need a man who can put up with me, AND keep up with me. He needs to be ambitious, successful, confident, generous, a go-getter (for dinero) himself...Plus all the things listed on the "no-compromise" list of my ideal man. 

I'm hoping to find me that one man who is everything I never even dreamed possible. The kind of man that'll make my list seem like a silly after thought.  But, in the meantime, I don't really NEED one. It really is crunch time for me in here.  And, let's face it, ambition is a dirty thing for a woman to have in our society.  It's almost as if we have to choose between being successful and having a man.  I think it goes without saying that I pick success over a man on any given day. That's exactly why I'm all alone in this world. (Do you see the tears streaming?) (...um, actual, I DO! I feel the burn. The burn!!!)

So, having said that, I organized my prison life last month to allow for the completion of certain goals I set for myself while I'm still locked up. Here's the list:
(1) Walk out of here with a banging body
(2) Learn a new language
(3) Continue with this Blog
(4) Network to find a Hollywood job
(5) Find a place to live in West Hollywood that takes in convicts - Must have tall, wood-beamed ceilings, wood floors, large windows, courtyard view, etc. etc.
(6) Study script writing 
(7) Write a script/book/some hit songs
(8) Place an online ad for a new man
(9) Find a new man
(10) Kiss said new man to ring in the new year (even if it IS Halloween before I find him!)

If you know of a guy I might like, a place I would like to live in W. Hollywood, a Hollywood mogul I could work for, please send info to: alexablogs2016@gmail.com.