This past holiday season has been no excuse to lay off the grueling Bikini Body Workouts (as seen in the January 2016 issue of Glamour magazine). We just wrapped up the end of the sixth week, with six more to go. I'm telling you, ladies, this workout really works!

Kayla Itsines (it-seen-ness) is the online trainer who came up with this workout plan that gives you beautiful results. You can purchase her plan at kaylaitsines.com. But, I will tell you, this is not a workout for whiney girls who complain about being fat, yet do absolutely nothing to try and lose weight so they can feel good about themselves.

So, today, I was telling my Bunkie what a great workout I just had, and how she is welcome to join our little workout group anytime she wants.  (My Bunkie is 5'2" and 197 lbs - just to give you a visual.) I'm not knocking big beautiful women, if that's their thing...but to have to hear my Bunkie complain day in, and day out about how fat she is, and then to be forced to listen to her farts and burps all day long, it can get pretty frustrating, especially for a girlie girl like me.

Her response to me was..."well, I'm okay with my big ass and tits. That I can live with. I'll just wait until I get out and do Jenny Crank. I'll drop all this weight in three months, tops!"

What!?! Well, folks, there you have it...classic case of ALL ASS, NO BRAIN!!! (And I don't mean that in a good way!)

I, on the other hand, along with a bevy of other prison beauties, do care about my body both on the inside and out.  I'll be the first to admit that I padded my curves a bit when I was in the Texas prison I just left, but now I have my A game back on and I'm bringing it! A part of me enjoyed all the delicious Mexican food, causing me to overindulge. The other part of me used it as a mechanism to make myself invisible from the guard's prying eyes and unwanted advances. More on that later. (As in, when I get out of here.)  But now that I'm in Southern California, I had to kick things up a few notches by going back to eating healthy food whenever possible, and working my butt off at the gym. I love every bit of my routine! These So Cal men better watch out!!!

Which leads me then to tell you about my official search for a man. I'm finally taking the plunge to find me a new love. One of my new friends and I sat for about an hour to formulate a list of traits and characteristics that define the "ideal man" for each of us. These are the non-negotiable qualities, that if a man doesn't possess, he needs to just keep it moving - no matter how good looking or rich he is.  Actually, I was quite surprised that "tall, dark, handsome, and rich" didn't make the cut on my list.

So, the way this works is you each sit and jot down all the things about a man you think are important to you that come to mind in one minute's time.  Then, you go down the list eliminating those things that you don't absolutely have to have, and what you are left with is the list which defines your ideal man. (Prison ways to kill time... can you tell just how bored we are?)

For example, if on your list you put down, tall, rich, handsome, great lover, honest, non-smoker - your friend will ask..."you just met this great guy, he's tall, rich, handsome. He's a great lover. He's honest, but he smokes like a chimney. Do you still want him?"  If the answer is "yes", then you mark "non-smoker" off the list, because clearly being a non-smoker is not a "must" on your search for the ideal man.

If you answer "no", then you keep "non-smoker" on the list, and continue querying until you are left with only those qualities you are unwilling to comprise on.  These are the things that would make you still want the man no matter what. Anything less, you are settling.  And, why settle when there are so many good, quality, and available men on this earth who would be more than happy to snatch you up?  Well, if nothing more, it's at least a fun way to figure out your heart's true desire.

I'm going to have to get creative in order to find me a quality man while I'm still sitting here in prison.  I keep thinking, no decent man is going to want to meet a convict woman while she's still locked up. But then, I think back to my Texas Taquito. He was an excellent choice for me, but, unfortunately, he never went past the hungry-eye flirtatious "I want you" stare stage. If only he would have been a tad bit more aggressive, I would have gladly been the hot and spicy taco topping of his life. But, I'm over that. He's so yesterday's news. (Ok, not really, but what choice do I really have?) NONE!!! It's not as if I could have jumped up and down yelling "Pick me, pick me, pick me... I'm seen-guuullll!!!" No, never would have worked. Tried that already with the old casual boyfriend/love of my life. Never again.

Ok, so I got an exclusive invitation to a holiday soiree just the other day. I found myself sitting among the desperate convict inmates of Southern California in all their botoxed beauty.  I was like, WHAT. THE. F@#k!!! If this is what I am competing with when I get out, I need to find me some black market shit...and QUICK!  Boobs, Botox, and blondes everywhere I looked. So the opposite of the not so skinny girls of the South I'm used to seeing. F@#K ME!!!!

Which then leads me to give you the latest in prison gossip. An unnamed inmate recently tested positive for non-prescription pharmaceutical use.  She allegedly claimed to have taken "Mexican diet pills".  It turns out the pills tested positive for meth. Is this the same Jenny Crank my Bunkie speaks of? How all these skinny biaotches stay skinny? Hmmmmm.... But, it's only gossip folks. What do I know?