Okay, so, it's October, and it's like my FaVoRiTe time of year (except for Christmastime in New York), sigh!!! And, I'm. Still. Stuck. In. Prison! That's the price I have to pay for being a bad girl. 

Only, I was a pretty good girl all my life. You just wouldn't assume that by looking at me. Or judging me by all the fun I liked to have. Or all the late hours I liked to keep. But, trust me, I was a pretty good girl. I probably still am. But as I like to say, "I'm a bad girl gone good, but f@#k that, now I'm back". And then I remembered that that's probably not such a good thing to say or admit to (even if it's just only to make me SOUND less of a geek than I really am), especially when all eyes are on me for the next couple of years, at least. So, I'm good. I'm Good. I'm GOOD!!! I really AM good!!! No, really. I AM. See? No prison tattoos, or convict boyfriends. Actually, NO tattoos at all, and even less boyfriends - convicts or otherwise!

Ugh! So, I'm thinking...what would I be doing right now if I were home? Hmmm... probably surfing the net for a cute guy to go out on a date with this weekend. Well, it IS Wednesday! Girl's gotta think ahead!

Well, as it turns out, there is always a greater plan set out for us than we realize. In my case, it's more of a "put your money where your mouth is, bitch!" type of thing. I had at one point said to myself, "I am gonna marry that man, one day." My delicious Taquito. Remember him?

A few days ago, my friends and I were discussing good qualities to look for in a man. My top choices were: (1) Must be able to afford for me a new Mercedes, an old haunted mansion, a big diamond ring; (2) Have a high net worth; and (3) possibly (and preferably) a high income. Oh...and (4) NO YOUNG CHILDREN to grab at me, or touch me with their sticky little paws!!!
(The little animals!)

With that, I was satisfied. I had made my case for finding these excellent qualities in a man once I leave here! You know, the perfect husband for a girl like me.

But, the powers above had other plans in store for me. Just as I was beginning to lament my old boyfriend, (we'll call him, Sunil), and all that could have been. And all that wasn't. Or ever could be. No matter how I tried to fit his qualities into the mold of my ideal man, he just wasn't. Out of nowhere, Taquito pops into my life once again! All young Clint Eastwood type - sexy, confident...aggressive! Not to mention tall, dark, and devastatingly handsome!!! Ready to claim his woman! (Just potato sack me over your big horse and rescue me, Cowboy!)

But, ugh!!! I don't think that he's rich enough to...to what? Afford me?!? (You've been living out of a box for the past 3 1/2 years, you stupid bitch!!!) So, I had to ask myself these really important questions:

(1) Can you see yourself spending the rest of your life with this man?

Maybe. Not yet sure. But, he looks so damn good! I can certainly see myself wanting to wake up next to him every morning, wanting to walk along the beach with him arm in arm, walk in together to a fancy dinner at a fancy restaurant, all dressed up with my hand in his. So, yes, #1 is a possibility.

(2) Are you willing to forgo the fancy lifestyle you are accustomed to?

Ummm.... I don't know that yet. Living out of a prison "cell" the past few years left me both wanting some luxury back in my life, and realizing that I can survive just fine just about anywhere, with close to nothing to call my own.  But, do I WANT to live this way - that is the real question.  Would I HAVE to if I chose Taquito? I didn't ask him for his financials.

(3) Is he really "the one"? Is anyone?!? 

I have NO IDEA!! So much pressure!!! A huge part of me just wants to run away...flailing arms and all like the chick in "Scary Movie"!

And, THAT'S the problem with me! Always too scared of the what ifs, and the possibilities of all that can go wrong. So, I just delve back into my work, find all the reasons to just say no, and run away like a half-crazed lunatic!!! When really, it wouldn't kill me to just say "yes", and see where things go. I think that's what most sane and rational women tend to do. But one small detail...he isn't yet asking anything.

So, I'm thinking... hurry up and do something... so I can find reasons to say no. (I never mastered the art of playing hard to get. With me, either it's a yes, or it's a no. No time for silly games in between.)

Ugh! I think I'm in serious need of some therapy! Sex therapy would be great right about now! And, here we go again...the answer there would also be "no", unless he marries me first. He's not the kind of guy a girl just wants to get in bed with, and then toss aside to the "just friends" category.  This one's a quality keeper. 

But then, what if the sex sucks?! I would then be stuck with bad sex for the rest of our natural lives?!?! What?!?! OMG...this is just way too much pressure! Where's the old bf?!? At least with him, there are no surprises! Ever! With him, I already know how the sex is, and Thank God I wasn't stuck having to marry him! Okay, as a reminder to self...he isn't asking. So, get a hold of yourself! Breathe, bitch!!!

Now, before some of you get all offended, and go all feminist on me..."Bitch" is a term of endearment in my book. My East Coast Bitches will attest to this. Really. If you're in the circle of trust and friendship, and no one is referring to you in this way, oh, oh...better start working on your bitch bonding skills!  This means you still aren't in all the way with this group of bitches. You've got work to do!

Okay, back to me now. I've been unattached for over six years now. I don't think I would know what to do if the right guy came along. I only know business. I don't really do romance. God forgot to give me that particular gene. Well, experience HAS taught me that a marriage isn't borne out of a handshake and a deal - look where that got me!

Prison has taught me that life could be worse, and that I CAN survive with next to nothing. Actually, I can't imagine having anything less than I have now. I pretty much epitomize the definition of the word "poor".  But, I'm definitely not poor in spirit, love, friendship, or intellect. So, there is still hope yet.

In the next few weeks, I will be transitioning back to the West Coast. With or without Taquito. Probably... okay, "most likely" without. He's probably two years too late to claim me from the clutches of California. But, that's okay. I will just have to start my own service when I get there..."PrisonMatch.com"...where finicky felons go to find love. Sign me up, bitch!