I wish there was a more polite way of saying that state prison sucks.
It does.
And I can't think of one.

Once you are sentenced at the state level, you are immediately whisked away to the local county jail where you will be processed in, and where you will wait for prison transport to come get you. This can take weeks, even months sometimes - so make yourself comfortable in your new surroundings as best you can.

Most likely, upon arrival, you will be classified as being "high risk," and will be housed in maximum-security lockdown while awaiting transfer. Don't worry. There's lots of nice girls (like you, I presume) housed in max. You'll be just fine.

Let's talk state prison now, along with some basic survival tips.

The jurisdiction where I was sentenced sent all new prison arrivals to the state's maximum-security prison for processing, classification, and a nine-week A&O (Admissions and Orientation) program. I was transported in a repurposed school bus from the 1980s, now painted a muted chalk-white, that made its' rounds to all the local jails picking up inmates for delivery to the state prison a few hours away.

Tip: Eat the F#@king Sausage

After the last pick-up, there were only about 30 of us women in all that were headed to max on that particular prison run.  While there were no bathroom breaks along the way (you just had to hold it), there was the obligatory stop at McDonald's for a sausage, egg, and cheese breakfast combo (to go), which, of course, repulsed me because I was into eating "clean", causing me to stupidly give it away.  Who would have thought that would be the last decent meal I would be offered in the weeks to come?  Days later, feeling filthy, famished and defeated - I was STILL dreaming about that f#@king sausage! Give me my sausage back, please!!!

Okay. Sorry. About prison, then...

We arrived at the heavily secured prison gates, where we were let through, minutes later, after a thorough inspection of the bus and its undercarriage. I couldn't quite see anyone wanting to sneak their way INTO prison, but, hey - stranger things have happened!

The bus pulled into a tall building through a "sally-port" adjacent to the admissions building, where the garage-type door was quickly lowered behind us.  Here, we were escorted off the bus one by one, checked off the roster, and stripped of our steel.  Finally, we were allowed to use the restroom! There were two stalls with half-walls (for "privacy") sitting side by side along the wall in the middle of this room/driveway/oversized carport. We took turns, and then hurried our way into the admissions building. Surprisingly, no one yelled, screamed or was rude to us. So far, much better than Navy boot camp 20 years ago!

Tip: Don't Volunteer the Hair Extensions

Almost immediately you will be inspected, showered, and disinfected.  Then you will be mug-shotted, with your mascara running (the one you didn't wash off in county jail), and your hair sopping wet.  Don't tell them about your hair extensions just yet. Let them first ask you if you're wearing any. At least this way, you will have a fighting chance at a decent photo. (I hope you remembered your Vaseline, and while no one is looking, pinch your cheeks for a little rosiness to liven you up a little.) Okay, now you're ready. You'll have to do the Tyra Banks' Smize (smile with your eyes), because you won't be allowed to smile in your mug shot. 

If you are exceptionally pretty, they will make sure you look like hell in your photo. So, smile on the inside - radiating it through your eyes. Practice this in front of the mirror a few times, and take a few practice mug-shot selfies at home before your sentencing. It will be worth it to come prepared.

After your initial processing, you will be made to sit and watch a video on PREA (the Prison Rape Elimination Act), and on how to avoid "sticky" situations in prison. Here are some of those tips for you now:

Tip #1 - Don't Run in Prison (The bullets are REAL.)

Tip #2 - Don't Accept any Honey buns (They're not called "Honey" buns for nothing.)

Tip #3 - Don't Borrow Anything. Don't Lend Anything. (Quickest way to accumulate prison enemies.)

Tip #4 - Don't Talk to Anyone About Your Case (Snitches barter info for time off.)

Tip #5 - Don't Compliment Anyone (Unless you're looking for a girlfriend.)

Tip #6 - Don't Acknowledge any Compliments (See above.)

Tip #7 - Buy Your Own Coffee, Cream and Sugar (If you don't have any money, do without.)

Tip #8 - Don't Ask Anyone For Food  (It's okay to go hungry. You won't die.)

Tip #9 - Don't Talk About Your Family (No one needs to know who they are, or where they live.)

Tip #10 - Don't Talk About Your Money (Always say you're on a budget. Limit your spending. Don't flaunt what you have.)

Tip #11 - Don't Flash Your Dazzling Smile (Your teeth will get knocked out.)

Tip #12 - Keep Your Hair Hidden in a Bun (You might risk getting it cut off while you sleep.)

Tip #13 - Don't Wear Too Much Make-up (Your face might get slashed if you're too pretty.)

Tip #14 - Sleep Against the Wall on the Top Bunk Whenever Possible (It's harder to reach you there.)

Tip #15 - Sleep With One Eye Open (See above.)

Tip #16 - Lock Your Sneakers up at Night (They will get stolen. No one will care.)

Tip #17 - Don't Let Anyone Know Your Boyfriend's Name/Address/Phone Number (Prison bitches will be calling, sending sexy photos, asking him for money.)

Tip #18 - Always Refer to Your Boyfriend as a Loser With No Money and a Short D@#K (See above.)

Tip #19 - Buy an MP3 Player 1st Thing (To help drown out the zoo around you.)

Tip #20 - Research How to Avoid Panic Attacks. Learn to Meditate. (Even if you've never had one before in your life. This will come in handy in prison.)

There are so many more ways to survive state prison...just use your common sense. No one is your true friend here. Just remember that, and you'll be okay.

When I first got to prison, I freaked out over being locked in for most of the day and night. I had to learn to take control of my anxiety and subsequent panic attacks. It was one of the toughest things for me to deal with while in prison. One evening, at the onset of one such attack, I asked the guard if I could go outside for a short walk to calm myself. He said, "You picked the wrong country club, ma'am." And, guess what? I HAD picked the wrong one! At the feds, there's no problem going out for a moonlit stroll for whatever reason! Ugh!!! That didn't help me any at the time, though. One day, I will tell you what bad girl things I was forced to do to survive those attacks. For now, suffice it to say that you can buy ANYTHING in prison.

After the nine-week A&O process, I was moved to a medium-security facility a few hours away from that one. There, it was much safer, the warden was super-great, and we had a lot of fun stuff to do that we'll talk about later.

Oh, some last thoughts and observations...

(1) There is no need to bribe the officials to get you out of that hell-hole that is maximum-security prison...or, maybe there is. The non-boyfriend considered it.. I didn't ask how that went for him.

(2) If anyone asks you over the prison telephone, "Do you need me to make a phone call, hon?"  Say, in a language that he will understand, "NO!!! But, thank you for asking."

Ummm....the calls are RECORDED!!! DUH!!!