This is week three of Kayla Itsines' Bikini Beach Body Workout. Still kicking my butt, but I like it! Our thrice weekly one-on-one sessions have evolved into a full blown workout taking up our entire rec center with hot girls galore joining in. We dim the lights down low, do our circuit workout, then twerk it out until our asses are super sore! Probably not what Ms. Itsines envisioned her workout to be, but, hey...this is prison! What does anyone expect out of us anyway?!?

It helps tremendously to have a Vegas showgirl, a Vegas stripper, a socal Latina hottie with a phat ass, two Hawaiian hula-girls, and of course, moi and my down south booty rumpshaker. The hot tracks of the night were the very fitting "Hot Girl" by Belly and Snoop Dogg, and "El Taxi." Don't ask. Just Google them. You figure it out... all the fun we were having.

The best part of it all, absolutely no po-lice to shut us down. We dubbed it our own special version of a re-entry class - the kind that is prison sanctioned to help us convicts reintegrate back into society with social skills and income earning potential. I may not be eligible to reclaim my law license until 2020, but I can now twerk it so I can werk it! Pay me mah money, ho...you know I'm all about that dough!

We even have a special walk where you pretend your legs are loose noodles making your ass quiver with every step. Try it. It's fun! I'm sure your man will thank you for it. Maybe he'll even make it rain on you (um...with hundred dolla bills, girls!)

Well, it's extremely cold here in this little valley where I now temporarily reside. A little too cold for a girl from the south. Girls gotta find a way to warm up the bum, right?

So far, so good at this camp. Everyday is beautiful, and I'm having so much fun! It's also day two of work. I was beginning to enjoy the life of leisure, but then they decided to put me to work. Bleh!  I will be training to drive "Big Bertha" around the complex made up of three male prisons, and the women's camp, taking the women to and from work.  I chose this particular job because (1) I don't really want to work hard for prison pennies anymore, and (2) this is a nice, relaxing way to spend my mornings. I will only be working until 10:30am - sweet!  I'll have the rest of the day to work on keeping fit. But first, I have to train and obtain that license! Wish me luck! I'll be swanging "Big B" from the camp to the pen and back every day.

Okay, so picture a circa 1970s Tijuana city bus, chipped white paint, busted windows, no ac or heating, brown pleather seats...all that's missing is the stripper pole and it's a donkey short of a Mexican party bus! Yep, that'll be me, bossing up in here and getting that money on Big Bertha.

In the meantime, I am working as a fuel station attendant. For those that know me, I don't have to mention that I didn't know how to operate the fuel pump. For those that don't... a girl's gotta learn new skills in here.

Well, I just tuned in to NPR news to hear about all that is going on in the world. Always the same doom and gloom. In prison related news, there are several sit-ins taking place in prisons across the country to denounce the poor living conditions that prisoners are being subjected to right here in America. There are hunger strikes taking place in at least 5 male prisons, in addition to two women prisoners who are also participating in the sit-ins.

It has been reported that these two women are being punished for complaining about the conditions at their particular facilities, and as punishment, they were transferred and held at an all male facility.

Now, while some of you would probably be thinking that this is a good thing, it's really not. These women are most likely sitting in some version of the shu or "hole", being berated by some of the male officers in some form or another. Prisoners really don't have a voice while incarcerated. It takes a collective effort to get heard in most instances, so, I understand the seriousness of this situation. It took great coordination efforts to get all of these participants across the country to demonstrate in unison. I just hope that their voices are heard, and that conditions improve. Being in prison is not the walk in the park that it may seem. While, yes, federal prison camp might sound like it is, it's really only what we make of it. Most of us would rather be at home, living our lives, seeing our families and friends, enjoying our freedom. 

For those of you who are in a position to advocate for those without a voice, I do hope that you see beyond what is parlayed to the general public through countless reality shows and other fabricated media.

"Did you see Carmelita on the television news programa last night?"

"Si, Chica.  I couldn't believe it! I heard she shot that no good husband of hers finally!  Ya era tiempo...ese desgraciado, hijo de..."

"I know, right?  Did you see how pretty she looked-ed-it on the television?"

"Si, como no?  Her make-up looked so good, and that dress she had on made her look so skee-knee! I'm so proud of her.  She looked so pretty! Como una artista! Que belleza!"

"I know! I'm so jealous!!!"

In Latino American culture, it's not what you do, it's how good you look getting caught doing it that matters.  Most short-comings, or felonious conduct, for that matter, can be overlooked so long as you look beautiful, and you hold yourself together in front of the camera lens.

Latina women prize their beauty, and will go to great lengths to preserve what they've got, or to improve on their given lot.  We love everything that enhances both our beauty and femininity.  Most times, we won't leave out the door without our full make-up on, or "bien maquilladas", our beautiful form-fitting dresses, and our sky-high stilettos.  We also take great care to always smell really good so that when the chicos walk by, they instantly fall madly in love at our feet and begin to weep for our love and devotion.  That's how our mommas taught us, and that's exactly how we like it!

So, not unlike Carmelita, it's important to know the rules of scoring a fabulous mugshot before you head out to commit that felony.

First, know that you WILL get caught.  It might not be immediately after you commit the crime, but eventually you WILL be brought in to do the time.  So, always, and I do mean ALWAYS, be camera ready - even in the shower!  You just never know when the feds will be busting down your door.

The rule here is to always have your face full on and flawless. Even if it means adding on an extra layer or two of foundation and pressed powder.  If you use the good kind, you won't have to worry about clogging up your pores!

The next step is to apply your falsies with extra-strength, long wearing and WATERPROOF adhesive.  Or, better yet, go get them eyelashes professionally extended, chicas!!!  The application will last up to six weeks, and through several mugshots in the event you are transported from holding facility to holding facility.  Very well worth the small fortune.  (Just bill it to your ex who got you in this mess anyway.)

If you are a bit on the brave side, you might as well go for it all and get them eyebrows tattooed, as well as your lip and eye liner.  It will last for decades, and thus won't smear off at an inopportune time.  The tattoos might not be so appealing during your close-up, but they photograph spectacularly!  And having an attractive photo is what counts during the intake process, as this is the image that will define you throughout your incarceration. Just go to mugshots.com - you'll see what I mean.

When you're all done with hair and makeup, finish it all off with extra-hold aerosol hairspray to lock in your look.  Trust me, you'll end up with a beautifully shellacked mug that even those hot television camera spotlights won't be able to sweat off!

For some practical advice, always dab a thick coating of petroleum jelly right behind your ears so that you can reach for it to use on your lips right before the camera captures your image.  It will keep your lips from cracking, and will ensure a glossy lip and attractive smile at picture time.  This tip also works well for air travel on Con Air, especially being that the circulated cabin air has a very drying effect.

Now comes the hair... Ladies, if your hair is FRIZZY, go get yourself a weave, gurl!!!  Better yet, go get yourself some fusion micro-links so that they are more difficult to detect and you won't be made to ditch the wig when they process you in.  Fusion extensions are not easily detectable, and they can't be "detached" from your own hair without the proper chemicals.  So, chances are that you will be allowed to keep them on your head, even after you go through the "hair inspection" phase at intake.  Be warned, however, that there is a risk that your entire head of hair will be cut off where the extensions meet your real hair, leaving you with a very close crop. (Read... a man-ly cut... which is never good when your final destination is LA PINTA, and not LA QUINTA... in other words... MAXIMUM SECURITY PRISON!!!) 

Your best overall bet is voluntary- or self-surrender, if you can swing it with your judge at sentencing.  This will allow you to turn yourself in at your designated facility at a specific time and date for you to start serving your sentence.  This way, you can be prepared for the intake process and that dreaded mugshot!

There is no statutory provision for this practice of allowing you to turn yourself in at a later date and time, so be sure to discuss this option with your attorney so that your request can be presented to the judge at the time of your sentencing.  You may even get the opportunity to select at which facility to do your time in.

If allowed to self-surrender, your friends or family can drop you off at the front door of the facility (e.g. Prison).  You won't be in handcuffs, shackles or chains at your arrival. You'll avoid the weeks of travel between holding facilities and county jails en route to your final destination. Thus, you will look FRESH AND FABULOUS in your mugshot!  It will make your transition into prison life more bearable, and it will make your momma proud when her comadres (las chismosas) look you up online to find things about you to gossip about to everyone in the barrio.

Good luck, Chicas!!!