This was the final week of the twelve week long torture that was the Bikini Body workouts. It appears that I won't have to be doing the bathroom runway walk of shame after all.  It will definitely be the "eat your heart out, loser ex-boyfriend" sexiness strut.

It was a lot of huffing and puffing, bitching and moaning, and cursing out the trainer with her perfect Samoan Barbie doll body - the Bitch!!! She, and her, "Come on, girls...you can do a hundred more squats. I know you can! Come on!!! Ass to grass! Ass to grass!"



Ugh...f@#k you! and your rock-hard abs, and show-horse legs!

Okay, I just had to get that out of my system. Passive-aggressive, much? F#@k you, too, Self! And the old boyfriend - for good measure! Just... F#@K. Everybody. OKAY!?!

Anyway, I was out for a five mile run at the crack of dawn this morning. Because. I. Felt. Like. It. Who does that!?! And, what is wrong with me? I ruined a perfectly good day to just stay in bed and be lazy, by being motivated to go run? In the cold? Before sunrise? What?!?

So, I'm running and running, and actually enjoying it, when all of a sudden Adnan Sami and his call to prayer, the "Azaan," comes on my MP3. Totally transporting me to the first time I met the old boyfriend when the call to prayer unexpectedly rang on his alarm, which he had forgotten to reset.  He scrambled to shut it off, but it was too late. That beautifully haunting sound will forever stay with me, reminding me of him and all of our theological conversations about things we don't really understand. Why the Azaan popped up on my playlist at that moment - I really don't know.  I was in the zone, running to "Work It Out" with Pitbull and Lil Jon... "Go ahead, girl, work it out. So sexy, so fine, so fiesty." Yes, all of that and more! And then...needle scratching on vinyl...scrrreeeech...ugh! Complete hard-off!!! F#@k you, old boyfriend!!!

Why do we women do that to ourselves? Resurrect the past like we can make a future of it? Clearly things didn't work out with the ex. That's why he's an EX! Only, with this one, we never broke up. I just got sidetracked into prison. But, it's not as if he's been breaking down prison walls to come and see me. So, get over it, Alexa. A better man will come around. Must. Be. Patient.

OMG! Just as I punctuated that last sentence... you won't believe it, but the Azaan just came on...again! What the f#@k? I was just shaking my butt in my chair to Pitbull's "El Taxi," as I'm writing this. I can't explain this. Maybe there's a connection with Pitbull and God? I'm not even gonna try.

Okay, let's move on and talk about my banging body that I've been working so hard to attain.  I was getting so discouraged because I'm not long, sleek and skinny with no appetite. Just the opposite. I'm short, curvy, and I like to eat. More of a JLo type than a Jennifer Lawrence. Then I found myself watching the Univision Latino news report where the women all have bodies like mine, and they dress the way I like to dress - you know, dresses way too short and way too tight, full-on makeup, hair extended to the butt. Then I thought...hmmmm...I'm gonna be alright, after all.

Sometimes, being in prison, it's hard to remember just how beautiful and sexy we are. Our prison sanitation worker uniforms don't do much for our self-esteem. At least they're a deep green which match perfectly with the color of my eyes. That's the only good thing I can say about this outfit. Well, that, and our butts look great in these pants. Someone at design goofed with this one. I don't think they expected our butt cakes to look so yummy in these ugly green pants. Suckers!

I'm taking the next month to focus on diet and nutrition, then it's on to round two of the Bikini Body workouts, along with the Victoria's Secret leg workout. Then, after that, it will be time to bite the bullet and take some prison pictures so that I can have them uploaded on here. I had been trying to keep myself from doing it. I mean, who wants to remember prison, right?

Ah, well, yeah...maybe not. I don't particularly want to find my prison photos in the family album years down the line. I'll be like, "And this was your grandma, when she was in prison..." So, not cute. We'll leave that for the Teresa G's of the world. Perhaps, I'll dig up the old mug shots and post those instead. I can't help that those are out there. Freedom of Information Act and all, you know?

Ok, thank you for checking in. It's coffee time for me.

This past holiday season has been no excuse to lay off the grueling Bikini Body Workouts (as seen in the January 2016 issue of Glamour magazine). We just wrapped up the end of the sixth week, with six more to go. I'm telling you, ladies, this workout really works!

Kayla Itsines (it-seen-ness) is the online trainer who came up with this workout plan that gives you beautiful results. You can purchase her plan at kaylaitsines.com. But, I will tell you, this is not a workout for whiney girls who complain about being fat, yet do absolutely nothing to try and lose weight so they can feel good about themselves.

So, today, I was telling my Bunkie what a great workout I just had, and how she is welcome to join our little workout group anytime she wants.  (My Bunkie is 5'2" and 197 lbs - just to give you a visual.) I'm not knocking big beautiful women, if that's their thing...but to have to hear my Bunkie complain day in, and day out about how fat she is, and then to be forced to listen to her farts and burps all day long, it can get pretty frustrating, especially for a girlie girl like me.

Her response to me was..."well, I'm okay with my big ass and tits. That I can live with. I'll just wait until I get out and do Jenny Crank. I'll drop all this weight in three months, tops!"

What!?! Well, folks, there you have it...classic case of ALL ASS, NO BRAIN!!! (And I don't mean that in a good way!)

I, on the other hand, along with a bevy of other prison beauties, do care about my body both on the inside and out.  I'll be the first to admit that I padded my curves a bit when I was in the Texas prison I just left, but now I have my A game back on and I'm bringing it! A part of me enjoyed all the delicious Mexican food, causing me to overindulge. The other part of me used it as a mechanism to make myself invisible from the guard's prying eyes and unwanted advances. More on that later. (As in, when I get out of here.)  But now that I'm in Southern California, I had to kick things up a few notches by going back to eating healthy food whenever possible, and working my butt off at the gym. I love every bit of my routine! These So Cal men better watch out!!!

Which leads me then to tell you about my official search for a man. I'm finally taking the plunge to find me a new love. One of my new friends and I sat for about an hour to formulate a list of traits and characteristics that define the "ideal man" for each of us. These are the non-negotiable qualities, that if a man doesn't possess, he needs to just keep it moving - no matter how good looking or rich he is.  Actually, I was quite surprised that "tall, dark, handsome, and rich" didn't make the cut on my list.

So, the way this works is you each sit and jot down all the things about a man you think are important to you that come to mind in one minute's time.  Then, you go down the list eliminating those things that you don't absolutely have to have, and what you are left with is the list which defines your ideal man. (Prison ways to kill time... can you tell just how bored we are?)

For example, if on your list you put down, tall, rich, handsome, great lover, honest, non-smoker - your friend will ask..."you just met this great guy, he's tall, rich, handsome. He's a great lover. He's honest, but he smokes like a chimney. Do you still want him?"  If the answer is "yes", then you mark "non-smoker" off the list, because clearly being a non-smoker is not a "must" on your search for the ideal man.

If you answer "no", then you keep "non-smoker" on the list, and continue querying until you are left with only those qualities you are unwilling to comprise on.  These are the things that would make you still want the man no matter what. Anything less, you are settling.  And, why settle when there are so many good, quality, and available men on this earth who would be more than happy to snatch you up?  Well, if nothing more, it's at least a fun way to figure out your heart's true desire.

I'm going to have to get creative in order to find me a quality man while I'm still sitting here in prison.  I keep thinking, no decent man is going to want to meet a convict woman while she's still locked up. But then, I think back to my Texas Taquito. He was an excellent choice for me, but, unfortunately, he never went past the hungry-eye flirtatious "I want you" stare stage. If only he would have been a tad bit more aggressive, I would have gladly been the hot and spicy taco topping of his life. But, I'm over that. He's so yesterday's news. (Ok, not really, but what choice do I really have?) NONE!!! It's not as if I could have jumped up and down yelling "Pick me, pick me, pick me... I'm seen-guuullll!!!" No, never would have worked. Tried that already with the old casual boyfriend/love of my life. Never again.

Ok, so I got an exclusive invitation to a holiday soiree just the other day. I found myself sitting among the desperate convict inmates of Southern California in all their botoxed beauty.  I was like, WHAT. THE. F@#k!!! If this is what I am competing with when I get out, I need to find me some black market shit...and QUICK!  Boobs, Botox, and blondes everywhere I looked. So the opposite of the not so skinny girls of the South I'm used to seeing. F@#K ME!!!!

Which then leads me to give you the latest in prison gossip. An unnamed inmate recently tested positive for non-prescription pharmaceutical use.  She allegedly claimed to have taken "Mexican diet pills".  It turns out the pills tested positive for meth. Is this the same Jenny Crank my Bunkie speaks of? How all these skinny biaotches stay skinny? Hmmmmm.... But, it's only gossip folks. What do I know?

This week has been focused mostly on getting myself organized for the upcoming new year.  The Bikini Beach Body Workouts are still coming along just fine. The end of week four has just breezed on by. The body is a little less sore, and a lot more firm! I now look forward to jump squats and pushups! Can you believe?!? The motto for my new life is "My Body is My Billboard".

Unfortunately, the way we present to the world on the outside, determines how most people perceive us to be on the inside. For example, a tired, bloated body conveys that its' owner is typically lazy, unmotivated, and unconcerned with appearances. How can a woman claim to be a winner who has it all together, if she can't even control the most basic things in life - her "self"? The same holds true for other things - like the excessive use of alcohol, over-spending, bad relationships, drugs, etc.

Realizing that we alone hold the key to our happiness is the first step to taking control of, and changing those things in our lives that make us unhappy. Just by the simple acts of reclaiming our lives and taking responsibility for everything that "happens" to us, we can set ourselves free to chart the course for our futures - to live the lives we have always dreamed of, but were too afraid of, or too dependent on others to realize.

Prison has changed me in so many positive ways.  I am definitely not the same woman I was just four short years ago.  One of the greatest changes I've realized, is knowing that I am the only one responsible for where I am right now. God didn't choose for me to be here, my parents or upbringing didn't lead me to a life of crime, the risks of being a lawyer didn't see my way in here. No, none of that is to blame. I am to blame. The decisions I made (or chose not to make) are what got me into all of this mess. Now I, alone, have to live with the stigma of being a convict, a criminal, a felon.

So what does this all really mean in today's world where everyone seems to run the risk of incarceration? Well, what it doesn't mean, is that I have to sit and cry about my "bad luck", my poor decisions, the lack of a prosperous outlook for my future in the eyes of society. It means that I have to let go of the past, and focus on building the future that I envision for myself. No one else is going to do it for me. I have to remind myself that without great risk, there is no great reward. So, with that, I have started mapping out my future, beginning with the here and now.

My present looks bleak by most standards - I'm single with no prospects of finding a mate in the near future, I'm in prison, I'm broke, and my law license is suspended. So, in other words...no husband, no job, no money, and I'm still locked up. What a catch, right? Where does one go from here?

The great news is that I've hit rock bottom, and I can't possibly dig myself any deeper without the use of heavy equipment! And, since I don't own any of that, there's only one way to go from here - straight up that same path that has already been cleared once before. Now, you might be wondering why I would choose to go down that same path. Well, the key is in the phrasing. I don't choose to "go down" that same path, I choose to "go up" it. There are so many things that I have learned on the way down, that can only be useful to me on the way back up - letting the voice of experience lead the way.

Yes, it can be scary at times knowing that I have to start all over, but it's also a very exhilarating time in my life! How many people do you know of that wish they could have a different life from the one they have now? Most of us can easily fall into that category, but because of familial obligations and expectations, or the fear of failure - they can't, or they won't. Most people would rather follow the path of least resistance, than lead the life they've always dreamed of for fear of the unknown.

So here I am, a convicted felon serving out her time in federal prison camp; I'm single and unattached; have no young children to care for; no dog to feed; no one waiting for me to get out so that I can complete them; no work obligations; no deadlines; no expectations. And, suddenly, this life doesn't seem so bad after all for now. This is the ultimate in second chances to get out there and follow my dreams. Yes, I said it. MY dreams. Not the neighbors, not the mailman's, not my best friend's. Are you feeling a tinge of envy yet?

You see, life is all about perspective. Is this the worst that could have happened to me in my lifetime? No, not even close! Will I recover from this experience? Yes, absolutely! Will I be able to reclaim my life, my hopes and dreams - find someone to love, who will love me back? Of course, I will!

And it's all starting right here, right now - today. And, just as I said earlier that my body is my billboard, my mind is the vessel that leads me to this freedom and renewal.

I'm not suggesting that you go to prison to escape your life. I'm saying that it's okay to want something different for yourself...to find a way to make it happen with your freedom and good reputation intact. You start by figuring out what it is you want out of life, setting out clear and verifiable goals, and then figuring out how you are going to accomplish them, and by when.

My beautifully toned body is just one of my many goals. It's the easiest goal to accomplish while sitting here in prison doing not much else. Everything else on my list will follow. I wish for you the courage to realize your dreams, and the encouragement to never give up until you reach your goals.

"In order for you to have the things others don't, you must be willing to do the things others won't."
                                                                                                           - Source Unknown

Until next week, dolls!

This is week three of Kayla Itsines' Bikini Beach Body Workout. Still kicking my butt, but I like it! Our thrice weekly one-on-one sessions have evolved into a full blown workout taking up our entire rec center with hot girls galore joining in. We dim the lights down low, do our circuit workout, then twerk it out until our asses are super sore! Probably not what Ms. Itsines envisioned her workout to be, but, hey...this is prison! What does anyone expect out of us anyway?!?

It helps tremendously to have a Vegas showgirl, a Vegas stripper, a socal Latina hottie with a phat ass, two Hawaiian hula-girls, and of course, moi and my down south booty rumpshaker. The hot tracks of the night were the very fitting "Hot Girl" by Belly and Snoop Dogg, and "El Taxi." Don't ask. Just Google them. You figure it out... all the fun we were having.

The best part of it all, absolutely no po-lice to shut us down. We dubbed it our own special version of a re-entry class - the kind that is prison sanctioned to help us convicts reintegrate back into society with social skills and income earning potential. I may not be eligible to reclaim my law license until 2020, but I can now twerk it so I can werk it! Pay me mah money, ho...you know I'm all about that dough!

We even have a special walk where you pretend your legs are loose noodles making your ass quiver with every step. Try it. It's fun! I'm sure your man will thank you for it. Maybe he'll even make it rain on you (um...with hundred dolla bills, girls!)

Well, it's extremely cold here in this little valley where I now temporarily reside. A little too cold for a girl from the south. Girls gotta find a way to warm up the bum, right?

So far, so good at this camp. Everyday is beautiful, and I'm having so much fun! It's also day two of work. I was beginning to enjoy the life of leisure, but then they decided to put me to work. Bleh!  I will be training to drive "Big Bertha" around the complex made up of three male prisons, and the women's camp, taking the women to and from work.  I chose this particular job because (1) I don't really want to work hard for prison pennies anymore, and (2) this is a nice, relaxing way to spend my mornings. I will only be working until 10:30am - sweet!  I'll have the rest of the day to work on keeping fit. But first, I have to train and obtain that license! Wish me luck! I'll be swanging "Big B" from the camp to the pen and back every day.

Okay, so picture a circa 1970s Tijuana city bus, chipped white paint, busted windows, no ac or heating, brown pleather seats...all that's missing is the stripper pole and it's a donkey short of a Mexican party bus! Yep, that'll be me, bossing up in here and getting that money on Big Bertha.

In the meantime, I am working as a fuel station attendant. For those that know me, I don't have to mention that I didn't know how to operate the fuel pump. For those that don't... a girl's gotta learn new skills in here.

Well, I just tuned in to NPR news to hear about all that is going on in the world. Always the same doom and gloom. In prison related news, there are several sit-ins taking place in prisons across the country to denounce the poor living conditions that prisoners are being subjected to right here in America. There are hunger strikes taking place in at least 5 male prisons, in addition to two women prisoners who are also participating in the sit-ins.

It has been reported that these two women are being punished for complaining about the conditions at their particular facilities, and as punishment, they were transferred and held at an all male facility.

Now, while some of you would probably be thinking that this is a good thing, it's really not. These women are most likely sitting in some version of the shu or "hole", being berated by some of the male officers in some form or another. Prisoners really don't have a voice while incarcerated. It takes a collective effort to get heard in most instances, so, I understand the seriousness of this situation. It took great coordination efforts to get all of these participants across the country to demonstrate in unison. I just hope that their voices are heard, and that conditions improve. Being in prison is not the walk in the park that it may seem. While, yes, federal prison camp might sound like it is, it's really only what we make of it. Most of us would rather be at home, living our lives, seeing our families and friends, enjoying our freedom. 

For those of you who are in a position to advocate for those without a voice, I do hope that you see beyond what is parlayed to the general public through countless reality shows and other fabricated media.